That said, I figured it would only be fitting to compile, for those of you considering being stupid and/or breaking a bone, a list of pros and cons for being crippled and on crutches. As my father's father's grandson always said, let's hear the good news first, so that way I have something to prevent you from crying about the bad.
- People are so nice to you! If you politely asked for somebody to crawl on their hands and knees while you rode on their back and goaded them on with a carrot, then by George (who was George? Must have been pretty cool for old people to say 'By George!' so often), they'd do it! No need to physically exert yourself, after all. Speaking of, try falling over once in a while- the crowd in general goes nuts about it, and most girls within a thirty meter diameter will start crying and help you up.
- You get a pass from class to class. Five minutes before class, you're out. That constitutes an entire half-hour of free time to do crap in instead of having to actually work! Oh, and you get to take the elevators.
- It's essentially a free get-out-of-jail card. Late to class? No problem! Some sob story about how a llama stole your crutches and delivered them to Boba Fett for a bounty will work just fine as an excuse, because not only are people nicer to you, they're also suddenly gullible! Didn't do your homework? Again, people will believe ANYTHING, from the end of the world, to a terrorist assault which prevented you from doing your civic duty and completing your homework. Because honestly, what cripple would do something so callous as lie about something like that?
- You're immediately seen as an intellectual, or an inspiration, for anything you do. Do you read? Then you're a great author, going against the adversity of philistine bullying and the downhill slide of today's education system! Do you breathe? Obviously, you're fighting for your life, a true leader. Or do you turn down offers for help, possibly coming off as a jerk or loner in ordinary situations? Not anymore! Because not only will people see that as a sign of inner strength and resolve, they'll put you up on a pedestal and praise you for it! You brave little warrior, you!
- People are so nice to you! They will never leave you alone. Honestly, it can be hard to get some space to yourself when people attend to your every need. Or time to think. Or breathe. Friends and family can often overreact and go the extra mile, sometimes to the extent that you don't ever do anything, and you don't go anywhere. There's a time when it's interesting, but being pampered to death literally feels like just that- getting pampered to the point of death. Quiet time or just... intellectual time, I suppose you could call it, disappears. People often call me every five minutes to make sure my fractured metatarsal hasn't caused a heart attack while I lay in bed. Seriously?
- You'll get nowhere fast. Literally. Crutches are sometimes the slowest possible thing on earth. A pregnant tortoise with AIDS could walk faster at times, because the entire principle of those demon-influenced torture devices is that you propel yourself- your entire body weight- on your arms. Great upper body workout? Sure! Like hell at times when you just want to get where you're going without shooting yourself twice in the head? Ohyes.
- They're annoying. Crutches are large, clunky, metallic, and get-in-the-way-y. I don't know if that's an actual word, but today I accidentally bashed somebody in the head with my crutches while trying to put them beneath my chair. Of course, it was funny, but I still felt bad.
- You don't do anything. I'm a runner. It sucks having these things- I can't run! It's like being stuck in a cage where all you do is run on a little hamster wheel. Not only that, but I can't do a bunch of other stuff as well as I used to, and I genuinely miss walking.
- Finally, they're dang uncomfortable, and often self-destructive things. I don't know if I mentioned that earlier, but if I did, I'm re-stating it. My armpits are still sore from where I rubbed the skin off on accident, I can't sleep how I want to- the broken foot gets in the way, so no weight on it, and most importantly- I tripped myself the other day with my own crutches and landed... rather uncomfortably, to put it the best way. To sum it up, I'm not sure if I'll be able to have kids. I swear, these things hate me.
- Wait, just one more thing. Your worst enemy... STAIRS. Stairs are the worst thing ever. Elevators at school aren't around in a two-story house, or an apartment, and falling down (or up) steps is about the most painful thing you can imagine, especially if you land on your broken appendage. Beware, for the stairs are always watching... waiting...
they want your blood.
So, the moral of this all is that if you choose to hurt yourself, at least hurt your... I dunno, arm. Not legs. Crutches are the worst thing that ever happened to man, and you can work up most of the benefits I mentioned earlier without them.
All that said, I'm not endorsing you to go hurt yourself- certainly not asking you to go break something to experience the joys of being a crippled (Like not being able to open a door for yourself without being swarmed by bystanders), but I am telling it to you how it is, both the good, bad, and the ugly. Oh, and remember: the stuff I say is mostly for your entertainment, because in this life, academics must come first- turn in your homework, regardless of your bloodlusty crutches! But, on the bright side once again, I've come up with a cool emblem! The skull and crutches. Maybe I'll put it on my Letterman jacket. Who knows? I just hope this isn't permanent. I'll wither away if it is.
Well, I'm off to get somebody to grab me a drink. Y'all have a good day, and I hope you've enjoyed this commentary. 'Later!