Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Boba Fett- why so serious?

    Warning: if you don't like hearing nerd rant, then stop reading. I'm a Star Wars nerd. I know everything about the universe, in the movies and the books, and I pride myself on it.  My favorite character? Boba Fett. I will readily admit, I have a slightly unhealthy obsession with the man and his amazing intellect. And the following post will be dedicated entirely to him, based on the following points: The extent of the canonity of the Star Wars franchise, his role within the Star Wars Universe, and why, without a doubt, he's the only contender (except for Wolverine) that I can think of who Iron Man would not murder in ten seconds flat- including Batman.  Now, I realize that this is pretty controversial- this is the same guy who has all of four lines in all three original movies, five lines if you count his yell as he slides into the Sarlacc pit. For many people, he just isn't that great, and as far as many know, he died during the events of ROTJ.
      Let me get one thing straight: the books are canon. They're passed through editing and have gone under the eyes of George Lucas. They are most definitely worthy of carrying on the Star Wars universe after some of the absolutely terrible writing and plot that came from the "Prequel" trilogy. And in the Star Wars books, Boba Fett survives. He crawls from the Sarlacc, and continues to kick intergalactic butt, rising to power as the leader of Mandalore and reclaiming his title as "The Best". In other words, the books are exactly why he gets what he deserves, because George Lucas owes me a Steak Dinner for killing him off so anticlimactically.
     Ergo, Fett is alive. Before we move on, I wanted that point made. Now onto the next one. Fett is very, very important. How a guy who essentially does nothing except whine about Solo possibly being killed and then later gets smacked into the side of a sailbarge by a half-blind Han Solo is important may confuse some of you. The case could be made that, objectively, Jar Jar Binks is more important than Fett.
      If you agreed with that statement, I politely request you leave my blog, my presence (if you know me), never speak to me again (if you know me), and return to watching The Phantom Menace, which I'm sure you regard as a timeless classic. Why? A: Fett dresses impeccably. And by 'dresses', I mean he wears awesome-looking Mandolorian armor. B: Boba Fett is the reason the fifth movie, The Empire Strikes Back, was made. He tracks Han Solo, leads Vader to his location at Cloud City, and turns him in for a double bounty to Jabba the Hut. That is, excluding the battle at Hoth, the plot of the movie. Without him, Han Solo would never have stayed in the Carbonite Hotel, and the first one-third of Return of the Jedi (Jabba's Palace) wouldn't have occurred.
       Next, let's add the books in, because, as I discussed earlier, they are cannon. Boba Fett singlehandedly takes down the Bounty Hunter guild, and later on, he trains Jaina Solo in order for her to take down her brother, Jacen Solo. Arguably, without him, she would have died. At this point, I feel it necessary to mention that as he ages, Fett only seems to get better.
    Next point? Boba Fett easily takes the cake based on his skill and good looks. To prove this point, I will appeal both to the movies and the books.

  • Boba Fett is a clone of his father, Jango. Don't believe Boba's deadly? Alright, movie fans. He's the only untampered clone of his father in existence by the time of RoTJ, unless you're counting the Nulls, "mistakes" who may or may not have survived. First, Fett Sr. manages to take down Obi Wan Kenobi. If you don't believe me, watch the Kamino fight scene between he and Obi Wan. Not only does Jango kick the Jedi Master's butt, Kenobi only surviving by chance, but then BOBA gets in on the action, providing his father with cover-fire from Slave 1 at age... what, 7? Jango is also the only man in the movies who ever manages to pull off a Jedi kill with only a blaster, which he does in Attack of the Clones. THAT's who Boba Fett is identical to. True, Jango dies within the next couple of seconds, but it's Samuel L. Jackson as Mace Windu! Nobody beats Samuel L. Jackson. What do you mean, 'what'? Say 'what' again! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DOG dare you!
  • Next, let's go to the books. Jango and Boba both rack up unheard of amounts of kills and credits, many of which are Jedi. No need to ask about why they're so awesome. But here's the difference- whereas Jango gets his head removed, Boba not only returns from the grave (the Sarlacc) and claws his way back into the top spot, but he also faces down the Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader. Once again, canon. Look it up on Wookiepedia, because I swear it happens. Why Boba keeps Darth alive? Because there was a possibility for more profit. Not because he was scared (although the Empire would undoubtedly have attempted to kill him), but because there was the possibility he could get more credits. There's countless examples of Fett's skill and dedication, as well as his intelligence- too many to count, so I won't bother. Look 'em up!
  • Boba Fett has all the tech. Here's his full specs- http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Boba_Fett. Is that not enough to take down a tank? Actually, more than. Combine that with his proven intellect, and he'll beat anybody. 
  • Fett would destroy Batman. It's true. I'll argue later if anybody feels up to it. Let me just say this: Wrist mounted rocket launcher. Beskar armor. That's invincible. 360 degree scanner radius. Multiple scanning levels, nowhere to hide. Batman dies horribly within the next ten seconds. As does anybody else except for amazingly powerful minor god-level characters. 

         So, that's that. Fett is awesome. If you don't agree, then too bad. But I'm right. Here's to the single most important and awesome character from the Star Wars universe... Jar-Jar Bi-


  Fett. Boba Fett.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Life in General- and a message on being crippled.

          Hey there. Obviously, it's been a while. I no longer use smiley faces, slur my words (because that's for drunk people), or run. Of course, the former two statements are more based on my overall journey through life, both emotionally and mentally, while the latter is based largely upon the state of which my body is in. That is, on crutches. My arms are sore, so bloody sore. On the bright side, this is a great upper body workout! How I managed to hurt myself is still a wonder to me, because obviously, it required no small amount of stupidity. Running in sandals. That's all. Tripped over nothing (or maybe just Casper the Ghost?) and smashed my foot on a curb, breaking the fifth metatarsal. It's official- life hates me.
           That said, I figured it would only be fitting to compile, for those of you considering being stupid and/or breaking a bone, a list of pros and cons for being crippled and on crutches. As my father's father's grandson always said, let's hear the good news first, so that way I have something to prevent you from crying about the bad.


  • People are so nice to you! If you politely asked for somebody to crawl on their hands and knees while you rode on their back and goaded them on with a carrot, then by George (who was George? Must have been pretty cool for old people to say 'By George!' so often), they'd do it! No need to physically exert yourself, after all. Speaking of, try falling over once in a while- the crowd in general goes nuts about it, and most girls within a thirty meter diameter will start crying and help you up.
  • You get a pass from class to class. Five minutes before class, you're out. That constitutes an entire half-hour of free time to do crap in instead of having to actually work! Oh, and you get to take the elevators.
  • It's essentially a free get-out-of-jail card. Late to class? No problem! Some sob story about how a llama stole your crutches and delivered them to Boba Fett for a bounty will work just fine as an excuse, because not only are people nicer to you, they're also suddenly gullible! Didn't do your homework? Again, people will believe ANYTHING, from the end of the world, to a terrorist assault which prevented you from doing your civic duty and completing your homework. Because honestly, what cripple would do something so callous as lie about something like that?
  • You're immediately seen as an intellectual, or an inspiration, for anything you do. Do you read? Then you're a great author, going against the adversity of philistine bullying and the downhill slide of today's education system! Do you breathe? Obviously, you're fighting for your life, a true leader. Or do you turn down offers for help, possibly coming off as a jerk or loner in ordinary situations? Not anymore! Because not only will people see that as a sign of inner strength and resolve, they'll put you up on a pedestal and praise you for it! You brave little warrior, you!


  • People are so nice to you! They will never leave you alone. Honestly, it can be hard to get some space to yourself when people attend to your every need. Or time to think. Or breathe. Friends and family can often overreact and go the extra mile, sometimes to the extent that you don't ever do anything, and you don't go anywhere. There's a time when it's interesting, but being pampered to death literally feels like just that- getting pampered to the point of death. Quiet time or just... intellectual time, I suppose you could call it, disappears. People often call me every five minutes to make sure my fractured metatarsal hasn't caused a heart attack while I lay in bed. Seriously?
  • You'll get nowhere fast. Literally. Crutches are sometimes the slowest possible thing on earth. A pregnant tortoise with AIDS could walk faster at times, because the entire principle of those demon-influenced torture devices is that you propel yourself- your entire body weight- on your arms. Great upper body workout? Sure! Like hell at times when you just want to get where you're going without shooting yourself twice in the head? Ohyes. 
  • They're annoying. Crutches are large, clunky, metallic, and get-in-the-way-y. I don't know if that's an actual word, but today I accidentally bashed somebody in the head with my crutches while trying to put them beneath my chair. Of course, it was funny, but I still felt bad. 
  •  You don't do anything. I'm a runner. It sucks having these things- I can't run! It's like being stuck in a cage where all you do is run on a little hamster wheel. Not only that, but I can't do a bunch of other stuff as well as I used to, and I genuinely miss walking. 
  • Finally, they're dang uncomfortable, and often self-destructive things. I don't know if I mentioned that earlier, but if I did, I'm re-stating it. My armpits are still sore from where I rubbed the skin off on accident, I can't sleep how I want to- the broken foot gets in the way, so no weight on it, and most importantly- I tripped myself the other day with my own crutches and landed... rather uncomfortably, to put it the best way. To sum it up, I'm not sure if I'll be able to have kids. I swear, these things hate me.
  • Wait, just one more thing. Your worst enemy... STAIRS.  Stairs are the worst thing ever. Elevators at school aren't around in a two-story house, or an apartment, and falling down (or up) steps is about the most painful thing you can imagine, especially if you land on your broken appendage. Beware, for the stairs are always watching... waiting...

     they want your blood.

         So, the moral of this all is that if you choose to hurt yourself, at least hurt your... I dunno, arm. Not legs. Crutches are the worst thing that ever happened to man, and you can work up most of the benefits I mentioned earlier without them. 
          All that said, I'm not endorsing you to go hurt yourself- certainly not asking you to go break something to experience the joys of being a crippled (Like not being able to open a door for yourself without being swarmed by bystanders), but I am telling it to you how it is, both the good, bad, and the ugly. Oh, and remember: the stuff I say is mostly for your entertainment, because in this life, academics must come first- turn in your homework, regardless of your bloodlusty crutches! But, on the bright side once again, I've come up with a cool emblem! The skull and crutches. Maybe I'll put it on my Letterman jacket. Who knows? I just hope this isn't permanent. I'll wither away if it is. 

          Well, I'm off to get somebody to grab me a drink. Y'all have a good day, and I hope you've enjoyed this commentary. 'Later!